Rugby Positions

We fully understand there are probably quite a few fans, possibly even players that may not have a complete grasp of the game.   It is our belief the game will be a much more enjoyable experience if you were aware of some of the basics.  It is very difficult for the casual observer to determine what rugby positions mean, therefore, we have listed all the positions and their definitions so you might have a better understanding of the players on the field and their actions.

The Pack

Eight handsome burly guys whom you’ll gladly give your beer and food to and you’d want to marry your daughter.  They are intelligent, elegant, sensitive, and sweet.  They are truly the ideal man.

The Backs

Seven guys, who will steal your beer while you’re not looking, take advantage of your women folk, barnyard animals, and all tubular household objects.  Often dine on quiche, brie cheese and wine.  They spend numerous hours waiting for a phone call from their agents with news about an endorsement deal from well-known shoe company or a photo shoot in GQ.  Regularly take blow dryers and makeup kits on road trips, wear bikini underpants, and carry STDs (AVOID AT ALL COSTS).

Prop

Short but stout, these strapping men support the hooker, but no money ever changes hands and the act is never specifically named.  They are large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path.  Reveling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered “nice” people.  However, their attitude is tolerated far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain.  They are often accused as being dumb, but we prefer to think of this group as “open to conventional ways of thinking”.

Hooker

Often identified by a balding spot atop the head, these vertically challenged, but talented, men stand between the two props, and secure the ball for his team during scrummages by “hooking the ball”. 

Second Row

Often identified as “Locks”, these tall powerful men are the driving engines, not only for the scrum, but of the entire game.  They can be found working their magic from deep in the scrum, behind the front row, or lofting high above the line outs pulling balls from the air.  Slightly below the props on the food chain, it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near this group’s mouth when they are in the feeding mode.  This group of large, often foul smelling brutes, is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent’s body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum.  While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as “open to conventional ways of thinking”, they are just plain dumb.

Back Row

Usually the most handsome and intelligent, these three men of strength are often considered the renaissance men of the rugby field.  They not only control the ball, but the entire pitch.  Remember, the back row defines the whole team’s style of play.  While they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a  back.  These guys are generally not bad at all, but you have to wonder about any forward who brings a hair brush and a change of clothes to a game.

Scrumhalf

The point guard of the rugby team, the scrumhalf distributes the ball, runs, hits, and kicks.  The scrumhalf is only half as handsome and burly as the pack members.  While this position is almost always filled by the toughest back, this idea is almost laughable (kind of like the hottest ugly chick).  However, his presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline, who will inevitably knock the ball on, and allow them the pleasure of another scrum.

Flyhalf

The flyhalf is the first of those back guys, and the first of the offensive chain.  Often confused with an insect, they sometimes may be referred to as the man with “the foot”.  As far as anyone can tell, the main responsibilities of the flyhalf is to throw the ball over people’s heads and provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. 

Centers

Another pair of those back guys, they usually come in two varieties-hard charger or flitting fairy.  The hard charger is the one to acquire as he will announce his presence in the game with the authority rarely found above the #8 man.  The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs.  This back is usually one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his girlfriend.  Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products and will be among the best dressed at the post game festivities.

Wings

Ideally the fastest men on the team, their job is to “score with the ball”, but often confuse it with “get tackled with the ball”.  Also an excellent snack when smothered in hot sauce and deep fried.  These guys usually manage to play 80 minutes of rugby and stay clean.  It is not uncommon for their jerseys to go back into the kit bag cleaner than when they came out.  These ladies are fond of cute sayings like “speed kills” and “wheels win”.  They are easy to spot after a game because they are finely coifed, sweater wearing, wine sipping, sweet talkers who hide in the corner avoiding the beer swilling at the bar.

Fullback

The last line of defense, the fullback is a back that even the pack can appreciate.  He is often viewed as a back row in the larval stage.  However, these guys usually stay as clean, if not cleaner, than the wings and are often found complaining about being sore from kicking or the one tackle they made and ten others they missed.  In the end, the forwards don’t mind these guys too much because the sure are “purty” to look at.

The Referee

Referees are easily identifiable because they are always forty meters behind the ball, even at the kickoff.  They usually played in the lowest team division before moving on to the “Old Boys” division.  Most retire from the Old Boys with minor injuries and are know to drink a glass of wine after the match.  Referees recently petitioned the International Rugby Union to have the inside of the ball lined with tin and filled with pebbles so the ensuring rattle would enable them to at least be aware of the general direction of the play.